Moving On
by ResilientWriterGirl
Summary: ONESHOT: The aftereffects of Motherly Love. Olivia struggles with her emotions regarding the case.


**A/N: Hey! I'm finally getting back into writing, so here goes...**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing, blah blah blah. Mistakes are mine (ha, this is lightly edited but I have a hair appointment so I had to finish this.) There are some direct quotes in here (I presume you'll recognize them... they're from Chasing Theo and Motherly Love.) Flashbacks in italics. ENJOY!**

* * *

Noah's soft breaths hit Olivia's shoulder as the tears gently ran down her cheeks. Her mind wouldn't turn off; so many thoughts were waging a war for her attention and all she wanted to focus on was her sweet boy. He'd been so excited when she walked through the door just a few hours prior. Lucy had been surprised to see the Lieutenant back so early, and had apologized profusely for letting have so much sugar; much like everyone else, she had a hard time refusing his adorable little voice. Liv was actually glad that a) she wasn't the only one who had a hard time giving into Noah's developing oreo addiction, and b) he wasn't napping yet.

 _"Mommy! You home! We play cars and eat cookies?" Olivia had a hard time deciphering the words since his face was buried against her legs as he hugged her tightly._

 _"Yes sweet boy," she smiled, picking up her son and kissing his forehead. "I think that's exactly what we should do today." Her laughter bubbled up as he wriggled from her grasp and began running around the apartment shouting "YAY!" before singing his own version of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance._

It had taken longer than she'd anticipated for the sugar crash to hit and the napping to begin. Finding Dory was still playing softly on the TV as she looked down at her sleeping son. Her one hope in life had been that children did not always follow in the paths of their parents, biological or otherwise. While she often worried if she was a good enough mother to Noah, she knew she loved him with everything in her. The tears kept falling as she thought back on the times she'd worried about Noah becoming like Johnny D… the times she worried about becoming like Serena.

Oh Serena. The tears fell harder now that she was thinking about her mother. It didn't matter how many years it had been since Serena Benson had passed, Olivia could remember every moment with her in excruciating detail. They had some good times when her mother had bouts of sobriety, and those memories were and always would be cherished… but Olivia could still feel the torment of both loving and hating the woman.

 _He doesn't know whether to love her or hate her… It's hard to give up on your mother, no matter how sick she may be._

It was rare for Olivia to speak of her mother, even in brief mentions. She'd given so much of her life to that woman, more than any child should ever have to give their parent. Speaking of her now, letting her have even a second more of her time, was too much. Despite feeling this wholeheartedly, Liv still loved her mom. Serena hadn't been all bad and even if she had been, Liv wasn't the type of person to not feel compassion for another.

She cried for herself, for her childhood lost, but she also cried for Luke. Not only did he kill his best friend, but his mother had turned on him. His mother was a rapist. Much like Olivia felt about Serena, she knew Luke was feeling the warring emotions and would probably be for life. Feelings like that don't just go away.

 _"So Luke, I know that you want to help your mother, but you can't plead guilty."_

 _"Why not? I'm the one who shot Trey."_

 _"Because she begged for your help. You told that to me, and Detective Carisi, a dozen times. Luke, you were trying to save her life."_

 _"Yeah I know but I knew she liked Trey. And she was always real talkative when he was around." The teenager tried to justify why his own mom would say that he had known what was going on._

 _"Did you ever see the two of them together… physically?"_

 _"No." She knew he wasn't lying; she just wanted him to realize that he didn't play a role in any of this, other than pulling the trigger to save his mother._

 _"Okay." Olivia watched as Luke wrestled with how to bring up yet another lie Nichole told._

 _"What my mother said about me, you know watching, that's a lie."_

 _"I know that." The words had barely left his mouth before she spoke._

 _"But I did hear her say that Trey was really handsome once so maybe I did know and I just didn't know that I knew."_

 _"Luke, listen to me. What your mother did to Trey and what she did to Ethan, that's a crime. It's called statutory rape."_

 _"I'm try—I'm trying to save her," he stammered. He'd been trying so hard to ward off the impending tears, and Olivia felt for him. Just seeing him in this situation broke her heart, and here he was, merely fifteen and living it._

 _"I know that. You are a good son. And you are a very brave person."_

 _"I shot Trey; that makes me a killer."_

 _"Look at me. You didn't intend to kill Trey. You know that. I know that. And your mother knows that. Your mother told me the hunting story… that you had a deer right in your sights and you couldn't pull the trigger, because you couldn't kill a living, breathing animal. That's who you are, and it's not your job to sacrifice your life for hers."_

 _"She's still my mom… I love her. I shouldn't be able to love her after what she did… what she's doing."_

 _"She's your mother. It's okay to love her. It's normal to love her. Whatever you're feeling right now is okay. You can love her or hate her or both at the same time. None of your feelings make this your fault Luke."_

The buzzing of her phone on the coffee table brought her back into the present. She carefully maneuvered Noah off her chest, laying him on the couch before picking up her phone and walking into the kitchen. _Ed._ She hadn't spoken to him since their breakup a few weeks ago, but her heart clenched as she read his name on the screen.

"Benson."

"Olivia," Ed tentatively spoke, not quite sure how receptive she'd be of his call. "I, uh, I just called to see if you were okay." As if he'd read her mind he quickly added, "I saw you at the courthouse. You don't cry in public often and I just… well I was worried about you."

Surprising Ed and herself, she quietly spoke. "Thank you. I… this case sucked." She laughed humorlessly thinking about how all of the cases she had were awful.

"You want to talk about it?" He almost regretted the words that passed his lips, but couldn't find it in him to truly regret offering help to the woman he loved so deeply. He was, however, unsure how she'd respond. After all, she had ended things between them.

"No. Not that I don't appreciate the offer, I just," her voice broke, "Ed." Her quiet sobs ripped his heart apart.

 _"So can I ask what's going on with me and you? Is it that dinner when I told you I was thinking about retiring?"_

 _"No. Yes. I—I don't know."_

 _"But I'm not imagining it."_

 _"No. No you're not. You know maybe we're, we're um in different places right now. I did get a little scared about the retirement thing. And Ed you know this job, this is… this is who I am."_

 _"I know. When uh, when I was at IAB I learned how to listen… to know when people are telling me who they are, what they're really thinking. A few months ago you said you were happy, but you were cryin'. You were afraid it wasn't gonna last."_

 _"I remember."_

 _"You were telling me the truth, that we weren't gonna last."_

 _"I tried Ed, and I know you tried too. But if we've both been trying this hard… I have this little boy who needs me, who needs his mother, and I have to give him all the attention and all the time and all the love that I have."_

 _"He has to be your priority right now. I get that. I do."_

 _"I'm sorry."_

 _"Me too. Take care Olivia Benson."_

"I know Liv. I know. Me too." They communicated without words how much they both missed each other, how much love remained between them. She longed to have his arms wrapped around her, the warmth of his body against her own. Instead emptiness filled the space in her apartment, anywhere she went really, a cold void leaving her utterly alone. A few minutes passed before Liv regained her composure and began to speak again.

"Thank you for checking up on me Ed. I really do appreciate it." His reply was simple and sweet. The perfect ending to their conversation, though it still crushed her.

"Always."

Finding her way back to the couch, she picked up Noah once again, lucky that the kid could sleep through anything, and settled in for a much-needed nap. The conversation with Ed had quieted her ever-loud mind for just a moment, long enough for her to drift to sleep.

* * *

The rest of the day had been uneventful, thankfully, and Noah was having a blast with his mom being home. They practiced letters and numbers and took a trip to the park. Spending time with her boy had been the cure to the emotional turmoil that the case had brought her, for now anyways. She knew it would haunt her later, as it always did, but she was enjoying the moment.

A knock on the door sent Noah running to it while Olivia pattered behind him. She picked him up protectively before opening the door.

"Tuck! I miss you! Mommy play cars wiff me and eat cookies and take me to da park." She looked shocked, Noah looked incredibly excited, and Ed looked slightly worried. The adults laughed at Noah's outburst and Olivia couldn't help but fall a little more in love with the man standing in front of her. His eyes had lit up when Noah talked about his day, his expression softening immediately.

"Hi," she added weakly. "Come in." Noah had already jumped down and grabbed Ed's hand, leading him to the spot where his favorite toys resided.

"Hey No, can you go pick out your jammies for tonight?" The skeptical look on his face almost made her laugh, but she somehow managed to keep it together.

"Please can Tuck read da story tonight?" he bargained. She let out an exasperated sigh while throwing a glance to Ed, who nodded gently.

"Um…Okay buddy, if you go get some jammies and brush your teeth, top and bottom, Tuck will read you a bedtime story." Content with the compromise, he simply smiled and said okay before running down the hallway.

Liv laughed softly at Ed who was still kneeling on the floor next to Noah's toys, before reaching a hand down to help him up. He smiled back at her, thankful that she hadn't told him to leave yet.

"I know you're probably wondering why I'm here," he began, not quite the confident man he usually was around her. She watched Ed's hand run down his face as he tried to form the right words. "I shouldn't have just walked away Olivia. I know your focus is on Noah, as it should be, but I just can't forgive myself for not trying harder for this, for not fighting for you."

"Ed…"

"No, Olivia. Everything that I said… it came out wrong. I wasn't trying to pressure you into retiring. I know you love your job Liv, and you're so good at it. I just wanted to gauge your feelings about me retiring soon. Can we please just talk about this?" His eyes met hers before he added, "I miss you."

"I'd like that. I'm sorry for freaking out. I regretted everything the moment you walked out that door, Ed. I've never loved someone like I love you and it scares me. God, it scares me so much to think that this could be taken away so instead of holding onto you, I ran. I'm so sorry Ed."

She took a small step closer to him, breathing in his scent. Warmth flooded her body as she felt his arms wrap around her waist. Comfort. Solace. Feeling his breath against her lips she lifted her gaze to his before—

"Mommy! I all ready for bed!" Noah yelled as he barreled towards them.

Quickly letting her go, he leaned down and scooped up Noah, clad in his batman pajamas complete with a batman mask. Liv rolled her eyes at her son and chuckled; she really should've seen the mask coming.

"Glad to know he's still on the Batman kick," he'd teased. Who knew Ed Tucker was such a superhero fan.

"I wonder who could've possibly started that. With you around, my poor son never had a chance." They made their way to Noah's bedroom with Ed flying the little boy the whole way.

"Who, me?" he smirked. Noah settled into his bed and watched the adults curiously. "Nah, Liv, I was just teaching him who the coolest superhero is, right No?"

"Yeah Mommy! Batman da coolest ever!" Noah insisted, nodding seriously. Olivia laughed at her son, and Ed, before pulling up the blankets around the boy.

"Alright little man. What do you think we should read first? Ferdinand or Goodnight Moon?"

* * *

Ed sat back and took in the scene before him. Even though he and Olivia had a lot to discuss, he was one step closer to gaining what he'd lost. Being with them, reading Noah his bedtime stories, that's what he wanted. He just had to make sure he didn't overwhelm Olivia again or he'd lose his chance.

Ed sat on one end of the couch, slightly nervous about the impending conversation as Olivia grabbed two glasses from the cupboard. As she walked towards him he couldn't help but admire her; black leggings perfectly shaped her toned legs and the cream sweater dipped just low enough that he could see the briefest hint of cleavage. She slid onto the couch gracefully, facing him, and handed over a generous portion of bourbon.

Taking a sip, Ed moaned, "When did you get this? This in incredible."

"I actually had it stashed away for your birthday. I remembered you saying how this was your favorite when we were in Paris so..." she trailed.

He nodded solemnly. "Thank you. It's amazing."

"Ed… I know I told you that I'm sorry for running from this—from us—but I can't promise you that it won't happen again. It's what I do. I get overwhelmed and I run. I hurt myself before anyone else has the chance to hurt me. But you… I don't want to run away from you anymore."

The sincerity in her voice never waivered, striking Ed to the core. Of course he knew all this, but hearing her say it, hearing her admit that she would try meant the world.

"Come here." She fell into his side, a satisfied sigh escaping her lips. He kissed the top of her head and began again, "I love you Olivia. And I know you love me. So this is worth it. We're worth it. I know it's not easy for you but the next time you try to run, I'm holding onto you baby. I'm not letting you go again."

He shifted slightly, enough that he could grab the glass from her hands, and set the glasses on the coffee table. He finally had her back in his arms and he wasn't about to waste it by holding onto bourbon, even if it was the best he'd ever tasted. Liv's arms enveloped his torso, a feeling he thought he'd lost forever, and they remained on the couch silently for a moment. Tilting her head up, her lips met his in a sweet kiss. It was soft and gentle, though full of love.

"I know we aren't getting any younger, but I think we should take things slow. I'm going to do my best to not throw too much at you at once. That said…I am still considering retirement from the force. I know a buddy who consults for the NYPD part time; he picks when he works and when he needs time off, ya know?"

"What would you do with your time off, Captain?" her eyes searched his face for clues.

"For starters, I want to take some time and go to the cabin my folks left me upstate. I haven't been able to go for a few years and James tells me it's looking great."

"James?"

"My cousin. Best friend growin' up. He and his wife still live nearby so he's been taking care of it for me. There's a boat and fishing gear. I'd love to take you and Noah sometime." His fingers were running through her brunette locks, a motion that soothed Olivia, relaxing her in an instant.

"I think we'd like that," she yawned.

"I think it's time I go. You're exhausted; you should go get some sleep." Before he could stand she moved her hand to his chest, stilling him.

"Ed, can we just stay here like this for a while longer?"

"Sure Liv. Whatever you want." He closed his eyes and listened to the rhythm of her breathing. If he was being honest, he was worn out too. He knew they'd inevitably fall asleep like this, sitting up and cuddled on the couch; their bodies would not be a kind reminder to them in the morning. Much like the strong, beautiful woman in his arms though, he didn't care. He didn't dare take away the moment, the feeling of finally being whole again.

Things weren't perfect or easy, nor would they be; there was a lot to still be discussed. People didn't just change overnight and overcome their fears in an instant. Olivia would still be terrified that her happiness would be ripped away. Her instincts to run would still be there. Ed would still be worried that he'd overwhelm her and inadvertently push her too far. But it didn't matter. In that simplistic moment, they chose love, and it was enough.

* * *

That night, curled up in Ed's strong arms, Olivia dreamt of Serena. She was dressed up like she would have been attending a formal event at Columbia University. Liv expected her mother to be drunk, but instead she was sober and clear. They walked along the sidewalk together in a peaceful silence until Serena stopped and turned to her daughter.

"Olivia, I know that I didn't always show it, but I have always loved you. Despite how it happened, you were the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm sorry for how I treated you, Livvie. You deserved a mother who could give you so much more: love, attention, boundaries. I should've done that for you my little Livve girl. I'm so, so sorry."

Liv awoke with a near-silent startled gasp. It was so real. That dream felt and seemed like reality, even for just a split second. Pulling a soft throw-blanket from the back of the couch, she covered herself and Ed, snuggling into him once again. Maybe it was time to let go of the past; it would never disappear completely, the feelings would still lurk and linger, but beginning to let go had to start sometime. If there would be any hope for Luke, and all the children who grew up in screwy situations, it would be in learning to let go. Learning to truly live meant growing from the past, seeing beyond it, and accepting that it did not have to define a life. Her eyes closed once again, and even if it was fleeting, she already felt lighter than she had in years.

* * *

 **(continues to ship Tuckson into the rest of forever because I simply do not accept what happened.)**


End file.
